Beetlehouse: Los Angeles
So you say you love "The Nightmare Before Christmas", "Charlie and The Chocolate Factory", "Frankenweenie", "Corpse Bride", "Edward Scissorhands", "Batman 1 & 2", and of course...The Ghost with The Most...”Betelgeuse! Betelgeuse! Betelgeuse!"? Well, you're in luck because Hollywood, California, as if you didn’t already know, is home to a bar/restaurant where you can drink, dine, and immerse yourself in the spirit of Tim Burton fantasy and lore. Yes folks, the place I'm talking about is called...Beetlehouse: Los Angeles.
Okay..so..I went to Beetlehouse in the Lower Eastside in New York City on vacation several years ago and it was AWESOME! It was a cool experience I won’t forget. First and foremost though, it was AMAZING to see that the Lower Eastside, which was once a cesspool of squatters, punks, drugs, alcohol, burglaries, GTA's, robberies, rapes, assaults, murders, and all of that other illegal shit you saw happen in "Death Wish 3", has gentrificationally (if that’s even a word) transformed into a haven for geeks, hipsters, and others who are looking to invest in something real and fruitful. I mean, FANTASTIC, right? Way to go NYC Mayor's Office and the NYPD! And of course, we can't forget about motherfucking Charlie Bronson and his 375 Wildy Magnum! I mean, does that gun even exist? But I digress. So back to Beetlehouse NYC. It is undoubtedly one of the cooler spots to check out if you ever find yourself in the Lower Eastside of NYC.
Fast forward, however, to today at Beetlehouse: Los Angeles located on La Palma Avenue north of Hollywood Boulevard. My experience THIS time around was..well..not so amazing. It was disappointing to say the least. In one word? YUK! Yup...totally disgusting. I’m literally on my toilet typing this blog as we speak. Real talk. Not kidding. I mean, my stomach was hella killing me on the drive all the way home. Thank heavens traffic on the 101 freeway simmered down by the evening or I would’ve exploded in my car. Where to begin? (Sigh) Well..here it goes...
At first, I figured that the stench of piss, shit, foot, Angel's socks, ass, and cheese meandering outside by the entrance of this FOOD ESTABLISHMENT would be the end of it...but I was wrong. What a crappy, smelly location to say the least. UGH! First order of business? My beer. I ordered the “Mango-Cart” Ale. It had a nice, luke-warm, room-temperature feel to it and it tasted like it either came from a very shitty tap or from a bottle that had just been taken out of a box, then put into a fridge, then taken out of that fridge after having been in it for only five minutes, then poured into my glass. I mean, what could taste more refreshing and be more pleasing than that, right? Remember piss-warm chango? Or hot Natural Light? But I digress...
Secondly, the "Willy-Wings", which were basically Denny's frozen, out-of-the-box microwavable buffalo chicken wings you can get at "Dollar Tree”, were HOT AF to the point where they weren't even enjoyable. Would've been nice if that "Mango-Cart" Ale was cold enough to make that spiciness subside, huh? Additionally, I ordered the "California Cheshire Mac and Cheese", which really should've been called the "California Hack and JEEZ..Ugh! NO BUENO! The cheese was way too thick and it too had a nice, room-temperature taste to it. I mean, throw my shit in the microwave or something! Gosh! I ordered Mac and cheese, not cheesecake! It was atrocious! Serious shit. I was nauseous AF on my drive home.
On to the entre: The “Edward Burgerhands" burger. Adequate at best, there was way too much crap inside of it. Once I pulled the scissors out of it (yes, actual scissors), the whole thing just collapsed in my hands like a mudslide. Thank goodness for the ONE napkin I was given. The fries were salty AF to the point where I am now lying in bed and I’m still bloated AF. And of course, dessert: The "Chocolate River Cake". Its basically a bunt-cake topped with raspberries and bitter red goo. It was God-awful. I would’ve settled for a “Hostess” chocolate cupcake. Hell, even a Sno-Ball (the pink one). It would’ve tasted better and cost me a hell of a lot less.
Lastly, the music was WAY TOO LOUD. I don’t know if either the speakers were damaged or if the DJ didn’t know what he/she was doing. He/she kept turning the volume up and down, up and down, up and down. It was ANNOYING AF! At one point it was intolerable. I was happy to finally get out of there when I did. Honestly, I’m not just talking shit to talk shit. I was very disappointed. This was MILES away from my experience in NYC (literally).
I mean, Sweeney Todd, at one point, had to YELL out his song instead of being able to sing his song to the patrons because the mic he was holding didn’t even work. It kept cutting in and out. Totally unprofessional but it wasn’t his fault. Thankfully he was talented enough to pull through that logistical mishap that MANAGEMENT should've handled prior to opening up for business. I mean, you don’t work out the kinks while you have patrons in the middle of patronizing your business, right?
What upset me the most about what was supposed to be an exciting night was that our server neglected to put in a food order for one of the members in my party. Everyone else in my party was done with their food and our server still hadn’t brought out my friend’s food. By the time the food WAS brought out, we were all ready to leave. Pretty shitty. But ask me if these Beetlefucks still automatically included their gratuity in our bill?
In closing, I just want to say...Beetlehouse: Los Angeles...get your drinks, your menu, your Chef (or your microwave oven, whichever), your sound system, and your over-all shit in order. Pretty shitty, disappointing re-opening if you ask me. My party and I paid over $400 for shitty drinks, shitty food, a shitty sound system, and only two performances. AND on top of that (which is the worse part of it all), we had to sit in traffic on the 101 freeway for an hour just to get there.
So for all of you readers who plan on going to the Beetlehouse: Los Angeles, take into consideration my experience. I am a connoisseur of delightful rations. Go at your own risk. The performances are not all that spectacular. But I am not hating on the performers. They really do a great job at dressing up as your favorite Tim Burton characters and singing your favorite tunes from your favorite flicks. But the drinks, food, dessert, and everything else over-all sucks. I give it 🤢🤢🤢🤢- Skidoo The Mouse.